Source:mindbodygreen.com
Sometimes, we want to scream at our kids. Usually this
impulse comes out of frustration or another acute emotion in the moment of a
temper tantrum or outburst. But most us also know that yelling and punishing
actually can damage our children's self-esteem and their trust in us,
ultimately creating unhealthy coping mechanisms and leading to even more bad
behavior in the future.
Instead, raising children with compassion and healthy
boundaries will help them grow up into self-confident and emotionally healthy
adults, and will make your parenting experience much easier in the process.
This article will give you insights and tools to raise
children without yelling and punishing. In the first half, I'll offer tips that
we can do ourselves as parents to feel more balanced and less triggered into
having our own outbursts; the second half includes day-to-day tips for how to
help your children themselves feel more grounded and less prone to emotional
outbursts.
.jpg)
01. Cultivate self-care rituals and treat yourself with
kindness..
The more we take care of ourselves, the more worthy we feel
of having our needs met and our boundaries respected. When we feel tired and
have no energy, it is much harder to deal with our children's outbursts. Plus:
the better we feel about ourselves, the less we feel guilty about making
"mistakes" or "not doing things right."
So, in addition to making sure to find self-care rituals
such as meditation, yoga, exercising (and/or whatever else works!), talk to
yourself as you would talk to a child, not as a harsh critic. Acknowledge your
own feelings, how stupid or irrational they might seem to you. If you accept
and love them, they will be released instead of staying stuck.
02. Honor your own boundaries..
If our children cross our boundaries too far, or too
frequently, it's often because we let them. But we will eventually lose our
patience, so remember that. I totally understand: we avoid saying
"no" sometimes because we want to avoid a tantrum, or we want to be
"the good guy." However, as parents, affirming healthy boundaries is
our job. Loving our children doesn't mean that we have to give them what they
want all the time. And sticking to your guns will ultimately prevent tantrums
in the future.
03. Have age-appropriate expectations..
When we take our children to public places, we simply cannot
expect them to behave like adults. A young child won't sit still for an hour in
a restaurant like a grown adult.
While it's great to want to go out with our children, we
must also remember that they are allowed to have their own experience. So we
must commit to trying our best not to feel embarrassed, offended or guilty
about their reactions. When we let go of these unrealistic expectations, we
give ourselves freedom to have a much more enjoyable experience ourselves.
04. Don't project your fears..
When we worry about our children's misbehavior and fear that
they might be aggressive in a given context, our children will pick up on this
energy, and will likely stick those labels on themselves. If a child starts to
think that he/she is "bad," that often leads to more misbehavior.
05. Heal your own inner child..
Children can trigger unresolved emotions in us, causing us
to feel hurt and frustrated, perhaps about our own childhood experiences or
current difficulties elsewhere in our lives. Our children can also reflect
those unresolved feelings when they pick up on them. So embrace the parts of
you that are still hurting. Acknowledge and accept your own feelings from or
about your past without judgment and give that child in you all the love and
validation it never got, or that it currently needs.
06. Create an anchor..
During a moment in which you feel calm and balanced, choose
a physical stimulus like pressing your thumb and middle finger together.
Recognize this as an "anchor," holding the position for a minute or
so before releasing. You have now made a connection between that anchor and the
feeling of calm and balance. Use this anchor by pressing it again when you feel
upset or when your child has an outburst to trigger those feelings of calmness
and balance to come up again.
07. Release guilt..
Guilt and shame are the lowest vibrational emotions a human
can experience. I think of guilt and shame as existing in the emotional place
farthest away from love, balance and compassion. Guilt not only keeps us from
feeling self-compassion, but often leads to crossing boundaries to "make
up" for whatever we think we did wrong. Remember that parenting is a
process. At every moment, you're doing the best you can and are always learning
and improving.
08. Make sure to spend quality time together..
Attention is a basic need for children to survive. When our
children have emotional outbursts, it's often a sign of their desire to show us
they are trying to define themselves, develop their individuality — and get
attention.
Many times an emotional outburst is actually a reflection of
a child experiencing more freedom than he/she can handle. They want to feel
safe by our loving guidance in the form of healthy boundaries. The most
beautiful way to give this to our children is in special, quality moments when
we are not distracted and 100% present. Children don't need us to be physically
present all the time. But quality time is invaluable for our children. Feeling
consistently loved and cared for will diminish their need to act out.
09. Allow time for free and uninterrupted exploration..
When our children's needs for safety and attention are met,
they will also undoubtedly express a desire to get out and explore the world.
Exploration helps them observe new things in their surroundings, get to know
their bodies and stay connected to their innate curiosity. Self-guided
exploration will improve their attention span and let them express creativity
and joy.
The amount of physical space we let our children play in,
the amount of time and the physical distance from us depends on our child's age
and needs and grows over the years. During these moments of free play, we can
stay present with our children. But make sure not to interrupt them. Just
observe and enjoy witnessing their growth.
10. Make your child feel understood..
No matter how "childish" our child's desire or
emotion might seem to us in a given moment, it's perfectly valid for him or her
to feel this way, no matter what it is, really. We don't have to comply with
their "demands," but we can still acknowledge what they're feeling:
"I see you're very upset, you really liked coloring your face and you're
angry that I took your pencils away," or, "I understand you like to
only eat chocolate all day. I'd love that too. But now it's time for some
veggies to keep our bodies healthy." They might still resist, after all
they are children, but at least they'll feel seen and understood and usually
this helps decrease the intensity of the emotional outburst.
11. Allow time to adjust to a change in activity..
Sudden changes can trigger our children into resistance.
Especially with sensitive children, it works really well if we give them time
to adjust to a coming change. Take bed time, for example: give your child a few
"heads up" notices that bed time is nearing. "You can play for
another 10 minutes, and then we're going to bed," is one I use. Repeat
that when there's five minutes and one minute left.
12. Respect your child as a whole person..
Our children might live in tiny bodies, just learning how to
deal with everything that makes us human while still needing us for their basic
survival. But they are also whole persons with very capable and knowing souls
that have multiple levels of understanding. So talk respectfully to your child
as if you would to an adult: use your normal voice and refer to yourself as
"I" instead of "mommy."
13. Honor the integrity of your child's body..
Always tell your child when you're going to pick him/her up
or touch him/her. You can start doing this even when they are babies: "I
am going to pick you up now. One, two, three, there you go." Children will
be less startled if they know what's coming.
When playing with children, honor their "no," if
they want to stop. Horse playing or other physical activity is a very good time
for your child to learn that when he/she says "stop" (touching me) or
"no," the other person respects their choice. Boundaries are
important for children, too. This won't guarantee that every person will listen
but children with this healthy mindset about their body are much less prone to
become a victim of abuse or other inappropriate dynamics.
14. Ask for help..
Don't be ashamed if you feel things are getting too much for
you. Ask for help. Tell your partner when you're having a hard time, find a
babysitter or parenting counselor, seek support from other parents, learn new
ways of parenting that will make it more easy and enjoyable for you. You are
never alone. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness: it is a brave thing to
do.
