we know it or not, we’ve all met some form of the typical “Miss Independent.”
of us know her better than others; some of us claim that title ourselves.
the self-sufficient, somewhat mysterious go-getter with big dreams and an even
bigger heart, though not everyone sees it at first glance.
might see her as cold and distant, because she needs a significant amount of
alone time to keep her from feeling scattered and spread so thin that she
disappears. Sure, she has family and friends with whom she loves to spend much
of her time, but it’s in her nature to crave those precious hours of
solitude—being only with her thoughts, completely alone in a crowd or in the
vastness of a quiet scene.
it antisocial; she calls it sanity.
For any or all of these reasons and then some,
she’s never been the type to “fall in love.” In fact, if she has ever been in a
relationship to any degree, it was likely one of the most difficult and
confusing things she’s ever experienced—and she’s not usually one to be
Perhaps she’s too focused on her goals to
realize that love could be knocking on her door, or she’s so comfortable with
being in control that the thought of surrendering even a little bit to someone
else makes her uneasy. There’s also a chance that, despite her outward
confidence and undeniable potential for success, she’s extremely insecure.
Or, maybe she’s simply afraid of opening herself
up enough to be loved.
Whatever the reason, it comes down to the fact
that this girl probably doesn’t know how to handle the love that a suitor might
want to give her. It doesn’t mean she’s a lost cause, it just means that
developing any kind of relationship with her will require an approach that’s more
sensitive to her guarded heart.
In an effort to offer some insight, here are a
few pointers for learning how to love a girl who doesn’t know how to be loved:
Don’t expect her to feel comfortable with diving
headfirst into anything even slightly resembling
romance. Keep in mind, it’s probably taken her a great deal of contemplation
and courage to even consider spending her time with you. And if she does appear
comfortable responding to your first moves, it’s quite possible that she’s actually
terrified of what you’ll think of her if she asks to slow things down. So, she
just musters the strength to submit herself to the moment, only to spend all
night feeling horrible about her dishonesty and inability to step on the
brakes. This will freak her out enough to make her sever whatever ties were
made and withdraw immediately—something she’s not afraid to do.
To avoid that, let things unfold at a pace that
feels natural, which might be slower than what’s considered “normal.” Remember,
she’s not used to this, and too much at once will surely send her over the
edge. Showing sensitivity to her pace will let her know that she doesn’t have
to fear being out of control, causing a miscommunication or feeling the
pressure of time.
Because she spends so much of her time alone and
in her head, this girl might be under the impression that her thoughts and
opinions are a bit too intense for others. She rarely shares the things on her
mind, as she fears that whatever’s in there is so deep and inquisitive that
people will think it’s overdramatic, oddly philosophical or just plain weird. She
values deep conversation, but feels that she can exercise this pleasure with
relatively few people, if any at all.
So talk with her. Let her know that she can say
what’s on her mind, and don’t be afraid of her ability to dissect every
possible meaning of a theory she’s been hung up on for weeks. If she apologizes
for rambling about it, tell her she doesn’t need to be sorry, she doesn’t need
to suppress it. Make her feel that although she is certainly unique for having
such thoughts, she isn’t crazy or abnormal.
Tell her it makes her all the more beautiful.
And then, give it right back to her. Be sure to
engage in her contemplations just as much as you listen; she wants to hear your
thoughts more than you realize.
Part of this girl’s struggle with letting
herself be loved could be that she is relentlessly focused on her dreams and
goals, so much so that she forgets to make room in her life for other
things—like relationships. It’s not something she does intentionally, she’s
just extremely determined to achieve whatever she has set out to do.
If she is forced to make a choice between a love
life and her goals, she’s already chosen the latter. So don’t make her choose.
And certainly don’t make her feel guilty for not
spending more of her time with you as a result—she’ll take that as another sign
that she needs to sever the ties, even if they’re stronger at this point.
Instead, support her. If you really love this
girl and she really loves you, then she’ll welcome the encouragement. She’ll
want to support you, too. Let her; with a heart as passionate as hers, you’ll
want her on your team.
Remember that this “Miss Independent” is just
that—an independent chick with an ability to fend for herself. She might even
be afraid of relying on others, no matter how much she trusts them.
Therefore, don’t think of a relationship with
her as one that joins two halves together to make a whole; she won’t treat it
as such, and she definitely won’t feel comfortable if you do. Rather, see it as
two wholes becoming an even greater whole—two individuals who love each other
enough to respect the other’s independence and uniqueness.
This includes honoring her need for alone time.
She realizes that you are a person with or without her and asks that you see
her in the same way. Being able to spend time apart is important to her; she
doesn’t want to rely on your presence, nor does she want you to rely on hers.
Don’t try to spend every hour of every day with
her unless you want her to feel so bombarded that she tailspins into a mess of
tears, word vomit and utter confusion, ending with her breaking it off and
swearing to never interact with another human ever again.
But when you are together, be together.
Completely. Let her know she is loved until she begins to understand what that
feels like, and then keep doing it. If it’s right, she’ll come around. And
because she’s loyal by nature, she’ll stickaround,
too (so don’t give her any reason to think that you won’t).
Truly, this girl has a lot of love to give,
even if she’s a bit awkward in showing it at first. She just needs time—time to
figure things out for herself, to better understand how this works.
Let her figure out that deep down, she just
wants to love and be loved—just like everyone else.
If she happens to let you close enough to love
her, take it seriously. It means she’s trying. It means she wants to love you.
And remember that helping her learn how to be loved in return is the surest way
to win her heart.