Narcissists are everywhere, and they
can be incredibly draining and challenging to deal with. Here are 7 things you
need to know about narcissists, written from my perspective as a social
psychologist and also inspired by my personal experiences with narcissists in
my daily life.
01. A SIGNIFICANT PORTION OF THE US
POPULATION ARE NARCISSISTS
An estimated 6.2% of the US
population suffers from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), meaning they
meet five or more of the following
criteria according to the DSM-V: (as you read these, think about
people you may know who might fit with the diagnosis)
-Has a grandiose sense of
self-importance, exaggerating their abilities and achievements
-Has persistent fantasies of
unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
-Believes that he or she is “special”
and unique and should only associate with people of the same status
-Has a constant need for attention,
affirmation and praise
-Has a strong sense of entitlement
and an expectation of special treatment
-Is exploitative of others, taking
advantage of them for personal gain
-Lacks empathy for others
-Is often envious of others or
believes others are envious of them
-Regularly shows arrogant or haughty
behaviors and attitudes
Many more people do not meet all of
the criteria for NPD, but may still exhibit narcissistic personality traits
from time to time. For this reason it is difficult to know for sure how many
narcissists might be out there!
02. PSYCHOLOGISTS ARE UNSURE ABOUT
THE CAUSES OF NARCISSISM
Is narcissism an inherited genetic
trait? Or is it something conditioned by parents and teachers during childhood?
Is it associated with other mental illnesses? While the causes of narcissism
are unknown, psychologists tend to favor a biopsychosocial model of causation
that integrates biology and genetics with social environment and psychological
adjustment. In other words, environment and society does play an important role
in the development of narcissistic personality traits.
03. NARCISSISM IS ON THE RISE,
ACCORDING TO NEW RESEARCH
Recent
research in psychology shows that narcissism has been on
the rise during the last 30 years, especially among young people. One study
even showed that
9.4% of 20- to 29-year-olds exhibit extreme narcissism, compared with only 3.2%
of those older than 65. Perhaps this is not a surprise in light of how our
culture has shifted to emphasize social media as central to our identities,
sense of self and self-esteem. Indeed, there is a direct positive
correlation between social media usage and narcissism, meaning that
the more narcissistic you are, the heavier
your social media usage. Even the word ‘selfie’ and what it stands for has
a rather narcissistic implication, don’t you think? Sadly, as narcissism has
risen with the advent of Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace, too has there been a steep
decline in altruism and empathy.
04. NARCISSISTS CAN EASILY SLIP BY
UNDETECTED
Unlike people with other personality
disorders or behavioral problems, narcissists can easily slip by undetected
because they don’t appear to be ‘sick’ or ‘mentally ill’- They just seem to
have an over-inflated sense of self-importance, a relentless need for attention
and a lack of empathy. When you first meet them or get to know them, they might
seem fun, energetic, outgoing and just a little egotistical, but this may or
may not raise red flags. After all, it’s good to have high self-esteem right?
Often they can lure you into their inflated self-importance and grandiose
schemes and before you realize it, you’ve become involved with someone whose
presence may be toxic to your well-being.
05. NARCISSISM IS DIFFICULT TO TREAT:
Perhaps one of the most troubling
things about narcissistic personality disorder is that it can be very difficult
to treat with therapy because the clients are often in denial or completely
unwilling to accept that they have a disorder. If someone truly believes that
he or she is special, more talented and superior, imagine how challenging it
might be for a therapist to convince him or her otherwise.
It is for this reason that people
with narcissistic personality disorder rarely seek treatment, and usually only
agree to therapy at the urging or friends or family members, or to treat other
issues (such as anxiety or depression) that result from the disorder. And sadly
many therapists also have to release their narcissistic patients when they
reach an impasse and the patient believes they are fine and refuses to see the
problem.
06. THERE ARE WAYS TO TELL IF SOMEONE
IS A NARCISSIST
If you suspect that someone in your
life might be a narcissist, there are things that you can do in addition to
comparing their behaviors to the diagnostic criteria listed above. I recommend
the following:
.Ask Them Questions (Narcissists Like to Talk but not to
Listen)
I learned from my partner intuitive
sound healer Jimmy Ohm that the
single best way to a spot narcissist is to ASK THEM QUESTIONS! Due to their
inflated ego, they can’t help but share with you their exaggerated sense of
achievement and accomplishments, their beliefs of how special and wonderful
they are, and how everyone is so jealous of them. Even more so, narcissists
like to talk, but they are usually not very good listeners. Often they glaze
over when others are talking, only waiting for their turn to speak.
.Examine Their Social Media Presence
Given the positive correlation
between social media use and narcissism, if you suspect someone might be a
narcissist, one of the easiest things you can do is examine their social media
presence. Are they always posting status updates and commenting on everything?
Do they frequently talk about themselves, their plans and their achievements
online? While heavy social media use alone is not a definite indicator of
narcissism, it, if this person is always on social media and also meets some of
the narcissism criteria then they might be one of them.
.Do They Involve You in Grandiose Schemes?
Narcissists have this way of
convincing us that they know better and that they are the most capable person
for any task. If someone repeatedly involves you grandiose schemes that never
pan out, or is always talking about plans but ever actually following through,
he or she could well be a narcissist.
.Are They Manipulative?
Narcissists are skilled at the art of
manipulation and getting what they want out of people. I think this ties back
their lack of empathy and belief in their specialness and superiority. Often,
this manipulation feels like ‘mind games’ where someone tells you what you want
to hear but then does the opposite, or when someone leads you on to believe
something about them or a situation that turns out to be false.
07. THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH
NARCISSISTS IS TO LOVE THEM FROM AFAR
Often, the people close to us like
friends, bosses, work clients or even family members can be narcissists, and it
can be challenging to coexist in this space with them. If you identify someone
in your life as a narcissist, the single best thing you can do is to love them
from afar. Loving them from afar does not mean that you completely shut them
out of your life (although this is an effective strategy for some, especially
those in extreme situations), but rather, that you withdraw some of your energy
and instead of actively engaging, you hold space for them in hopes that
someday, they will change. To me, loving them from afar means that you
recognize you are powerless to change this person, and that spending time with
them can be toxic to your well-being. Limiting your interactions and time
spent, not playing into their grandiose schemes and not allowing yourself to be
manipulated are all perfectly acceptable strategies.
In the case of people you see
regularly, like work colleagues, bosses, clients and close family, sometimes
loving them from afar is a less viable option because you find yourself in
constant contact with them. In this case, I recommend the following steps for
co-existing:
.Practice Forgiveness and Compassion
It can be incredibly difficult to
find compassion for someone who has no respect for other people and believes
themselves to be superior to others. Even if they lack it, you can always find
compassionbecause this person is clearly suffering terribly, whether he or she
is consciously connected to the pain. Forgiving someone’s narcissism does not
mean your are accepting or justifying their behavior, it just means that you no
longer want to hold onto it or allow it to affect you. Remember, the way they
act says nothing about you and everything about who they are. Do your best to
forgive and not take their narcissism personally!
.Let go of the Attachment to the Outcome
Being a compassionate, nurturing
person, I often see people suffering and I want to help them heal. I know I am
not alone here. Unfortunately, when it comes to narcissists, we must learn to
let go of the outcome. Narcissists usually do not think that they are in need
of any help, believing instead in their own inflated perfection and
superiority. Their behaviors, actions, words, and thoughts have nothing to do
with you and therefore, being attached to the outcome or trying to change them
in any way does not serve you and will only lead to more pain for you.
.Accept that You Gave this Energy Permission to Enter Your
Space, and Learn from it
This is a difficult one, but it is
true that our outside reality is a reflection of our inner space. So if you
find yourself surrounded by narcissists, it is important to explore why you are
in this situation and learn how to grow from it. Maybe you have underlying
narcissistic traits that you are not aware of? Maybe you lack self-esteem and
believe you are only worthy of narcissists in your life? Maybe you have been
unwise in your decisions and the people you chose to make energetic agreements
with? Maybe you didn’t realize how narcissistic these people were until it was
too late? While their narcissism is definitely not your fault, allowing their
energy into your space is your responsibility. By learning what brought you
here and making changes, you can break out of this cycle.
.You Deserve Better
Remember, if you are not a
narcissist, then you deserve better than to be surrounded by narcissists! It is
OK to assert this feeling and cut energetic ties to people who do not match
your frequency. In many cases, this is a necessary form of survival. Many of us
have been in positions of low self-esteem or believed that we did not deserve
truly loving, caring people in our lives. If you have done this, give yourself
permission to remove this agreement on the grounds that you DO deserve to be
around compassionate, connected, loving, good people. Trust that you will meet
them when you clear the space for them to move into your life.
