The daughters of unloving mothers have a lot of issues
which come from having lived a cruel,
crazy-making lifestyle.
Here’s why they attract narcissists:
I think that living with a
Narcissistic Mother is possibly one of the most horrendous abuses of children,
because – depending where on the Narcissistic
Spectrum our mother is
located – it can be so subtle that we don’t even realise we’re being abused.
As one Daughter with a Narcissistic
Mother wrote so eloquently:
As different as [all daughters with
narcissistic mothers] are, as varied as our situations, ages, memories, degrees
of suffering or desire to vent, the consequences of being raised by this kind
of mentally ill mother are essentially universal.
It is an abnegation of the soul, and
I’d argue that the damage it does is more insidious than most other forms of
child abuse.
It is completely invisible to
everyone, including the perpetrator (who literally cannot see what she is
doing) and her victim (who knows only this). The harm it does is all pervasive; it is vicious,
painfully unjust and mutilating.
(Reprinted with permission;
bolding/italics mine)
I certainly didn’t know this abuse
was going on. When my sister more or less left home when she was 15, all-but
living with a neighbour, and officially left home never to be seen again at age
17, all I could think was, “What’s her problem?”
And it never occurred to me to wonder
where my own depression, suicide attempt and constant suicide thoughts, and
eating disorder, had come from.
We just internalise the stress, and
think it’s us that’s wrong, and horrible, and maybe even crazy. This is
assisted by the fact that our Narcissistic Mothers and Enabling Fathers tell us
that we’re crazy! Maybe not in as many words (although often, yes, in as many
words), but every time they gaslight us to tell us our memory and
perceptions are mistaken, it’s effectively saying we’re crazy.
On my last conversation with my
mother she told me patronisingly that I had a very good imagination – the
inference being that I was totally imagining all of what I was saying.
We maybe still think our mother loves
us because she tells us she does, and we don’t know any better to realise that
normally love doesn’t manifest in such sly put-downs, such undermining, such
neglect. And of course our culture
tells us, loud and clear and over and over,that our mother loves us, and
that we need to love her. And because of this, our friends just don’t – cannot
– understand any of this, and that’s lonely too.
And we believe we love her because,
well, that’s what daughters do. And as normal loving girls we crave to love.
The heritage of being a Daughter with
a Narcissistic Mother just goes on and on – I’ve heard it described, bitterly,
as the gift that keeps on giving.
We feel we cannot be our authentic
true selves, even assuming we can figure out who that authentic self even is.
We suffer from low self-esteem, often
to the level of self-loathing, and we struggle with self-care.
We almost certainly cannot love ourselves, and all this is evidenced by our negative
self-talk.
We may believe we have no right to
exist, and almost certainly feel that we’re never
good enough, that we’re not acceptable, that at some deep down level we’re
inherently flawed.
We either are forever
self-sabotaging, or burdened with impossible perfectionism.
Although there is often euphoria when
we make this discovery about NPD, as we realise we’re not crazy, that can be
quickly followed by anger, grief and bereavement, sadness, shame and guilt, and
maybe even hatred.
We’re weary of our successes
being dismissed and our tragedies
being used as drama-queen fodder.
We perhaps still always feel like a
little girl, and we’re probably scared to own, or access, our own power – and
that keeps us feeling powerless too. We’ve had years of being told we’re too
sensitive, and possibly we are, now.
We have difficulty setting
boundaries, whether that’s with our family or with others.
We may well be overly fearful of
authority figures, or people being angry with us.
We worry about whether we ourselves
are narcissistic.
We may have body issues – either
being overweight, or terrified of gaining weight.
We may find ourselves still
experiencing huge fear of her, no matter how old we are or how assertive in
other parts of our lives.
We may find that we’re still trying –
in vain, of course – to get her approval, or to get her attention.
We may want to severely limit our
contactwith her, or even to cut off all
contact– but be worried and confused about that.
We no doubt have difficulties in
forming relationships, or maybe we’re attracted to unhealthy and abusive
relationships. We have a constant fear of abandonment, and huge trust issues.
We carry a constant feeling that the world isn’t safe.
We also have massive issues around
deserving. Deep down we may feel that we don’t deserve good things, or good
relationships, or even that we don’t deserve to heal. We may also have beliefs
around healing that healing means she gets away with it, for example, which
block us, or the belief that being unhappy is a badge of proof that this
happened.
