The only way you can describe how you feel is
that you feel minimized. You feel
crushed and smothered. You’re constantly
second-guessing yourself; your feelings, your perceptions, your memories, and a
small, suffocated part inside of you wonders whether you are actually going
crazy.
You feel neurotic, you feel hyper-sensitive and you feel an overwhelming sense of alienation.
What is wrong with you?
If you can identify with what I just wrote,
you are most likely experiencing a sophisticated manipulation technique known
as Gaslighting. This technique
undermines your entire perception of reality and can slowly creep into your
relationships, friendships, family life and work life.
Although you might feel crazy, although you
might feel imbalanced and irrational, there is still hope.
WHAT IS GASLIGHTING?
Inspired by the 1940 and 1944 films “Gas
Light,” where a husband systematically manipulates his wife in order to make
her feel crazy, the term “Gaslighting” is now commonly used to describe
behaviour that is inherently manipulative.
Gaslighting, at its core, is a form of emotional abuse that slowly eats away at your ability to make judgements. Essentially, a Gaslighter spins their
negative, harmful or destructive words and actions in their favour, deflecting
the blame for their abusive deeds and pointing the finger at you. This is often done by making you feel “overly
sensitive,” “paranoid,” “mentally unstable,” “silly,” “unhinged,” and many
other sensations which cause you to doubt yourself.
Commonly adopted by psychopathic, sociopathic
and narcissistic types of people, Gaslighting tends to eat away at you slowly
until you realize that you’re a shell of the former person you were.
Let’s take a look at some examples of
Gaslighting.
In a family scenario: Andrew’s father is an angry, bitter man. Every day Andrew is afraid to “tip the
balance” of his father’s mood because he often bursts out in fits of rage
calling Andrew a “bastard” and a “worthless little loser,” among many other
hurtful names. When Andrew confronts his
father about this aggressive name calling, Andrew’s father laughs and tells him
“to stop being so sensitive.”
In a relationship scenario: Jade has been married for 5 years and has two
small children with her husband Mike.
For the past few months Jade has been trying to establish a small art
shop, but when she asks for her husband’s assistance his mood darkens: “I can’t
believe you’re spending so much time on this shop—don’t you care about me—don’t
you care about your kids? You’re
supposed to be mothering them!” he exclaims.
Jade is shocked, “But I just wanted you to help me with setting up the
store! And I haven’t been neglecting anyone!” Mike comes up very close to Jade’s face: “You
see! Now you’re denying it. When I married you I thought you’d be there
for your family. I should just take the
kids and go already!” Mike storms
off. Later, when Jade sits down to talk
with Mike about his threat, Mike says, “Honey, you know you were over reacting,
and you know that you’ve been obsessing over this shop too much. That makes the rest of us feel very ignored
and excluded, I hope you understand that.”
At work scenario: Sophie has been working in her department for
the past five years when she is given a promotion to migrate to another level
of the company that pays a higher salary.
However, Sophie has been given a trial period to determine whether she
is capable of fulfilling her duties or not.
Nervously, she meets with her new supervisor, Kelly. At first Sophie likes her supervisor and
fulfills all of her tasks on time.
However, her supervisor begins to ask her to do belittling chores and
favours here and there with increasing frequency. While Sophie is fine with helping out, she
finds that Kelly is becoming more and more demanding. Finally, as Sophie’s work piles up to an
unbearable level, she tells Kelly that she needs to focus on completing her
work, but she can help another time.
Later, in a staff meeting, Kelly introduces Sophie to everyone and says,
“Although she’s not keeping up with us yet, I’m sure she’ll learn to embody our
hard-working ethics soon!” Immediately,
Sophie blushes and feels publicly insulted and humiliated, fearing for the
security of her new job. Later when
Sophie asks her supervisor why she thinks that “she is not embodying their
hard-working ethic,” her supervisor says: “I think you misunderstood me. I just said that you’re not used to our pace
of work so that other people can help you out.”
From then on Sophie accepts all extra demands and chores, no matter how
much work she has, or how demeaning the tasks are.
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER SOMEONE IS GASLIGHTING
YOU
Gaslighting is so harmful because it promotes
anxiety, depression, and with enough frequency in our lives, can sometimes
trigger nervous breakdowns. So the
question now it: are you being gaslighted?
How can you know whether you’re experiencing this subtle form of
manipulation in your life? Review the
following tell-tale signs:
01. Something is “off” about your friend,
partner, son, daughter, mother, father, sister, brother, colleagues, boss, or
other person in your life … but you can’t quite explain or pinpoint what.
02. You frequently second-guess your ability to
remember the details of past events.
03. You feel confused and disorientated.
04. You feel threatened and on-edge, but you
don’t know why.
05. You feel the need to apologize all the time
for what you do or who you are.
06. You never quite feel “good enough” and try to
live up to the expectations and demands of others, even if they are
unreasonable or harm you in some way.
07. You feel like there’s something fundamentally
wrong with you, e.g. you’re neurotic or are “losing it.”
08. You feel like you’re constantly overreacting
or are too sensitive.
09. You feel isolated, hopeless, misunderstood
and depressed.
10. You find it hard to trust your own judgement,
and given a choice, you choose to believe the judgement of another.
11. You feel scared and as though “something is
terribly wrong,” but you don’t know what or why.
12. You find it hard to make decisions.
13. You feel as though you’re a much weaker
version of yourself, and you were much more strong and confident in the past.
14. You feel guilty for not feeling happy like
you used to.
15. You’ve become afraid of “speaking up” or
expressing your emotions, so you stay silent instead.
TACTICS USED BY THE GASLIGHTER
Gaslighters use a variety of subtle
techniques to undermine your reality and portray you as the disturbed and
messed up one. These include, for
example:
.Discrediting you by making other people think
that you’re crazy, irrational or unstable.
.Using a mask of confidence, assertiveness,
and/or fake compassion to make you believe that you “have it all wrong.”
Therefore, eventually you begin to doubt yourself and believe their version of
past events.
.Changing the subject. The gaslighter may
divert the topic by asking another question, or making a statement usually
directed at your thoughts, e.g. “You’re imagining things—that never
happened!” “No, you’re wrong, you didn’t
remember right.” “Is that another crazy
idea you got from your (family member/friend)?”
.Minimizing.
By trivializing how you feel and what you think, the gaslighter gains
more and more power over you, e.g. “Why are you being so sensitive?” “You don’t
need to get angry over a little thing like that!” “I was just joking around,
why are you taking things so seriously?”
.Denial and avoidance. By refusing to
acknowledge your feelings and thoughts, the gaslighter causes you to doubt
yourself more and more. For example, “I
don’t remember that, you must have dreamt it!” “You’re lying, I never said
that.” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, you’re changing the subject.”
.Twisting and reframing. When the gaslighter
confidently and subtly twists and reframes what was said or done in their
favour, they can cause you to second-guess yourself—especially when paired with
fake compassion, making you feel as though you are “unstable,” “irrational,”
and so forth. For example, “I didn’t say
that, I said _____” “I didn’t beat you up Johnny, I just gave you a smack
around the head—that’s what all good fathers do.” “If you remember correctly, I was actually
trying to help you.”
HEALING THE WOUNDS IGNITED BY GASLIGHTING
Gaslighting causes us to doubt our own
memories, perceptions and judgements, throwing us emotionally and
psychologically off balance.
If you feel as though your self-esteem,
confidence and independence has withered under the flame of gaslighting you are
not alone … and there certainly is hope!
Almost all of us, including myself, have
experienced one form of Gaslighting or another throughout life. The problems arise when Gaslighting is a
frequent shadow that trails behind our relationships and partnerships. The good news is that knowledge and awareness
is the first step to healing your life and rebuilding the strong, perceptive
person you are … and you have already taken it!
While it is true that in some situations we
genuinely might be overreacting, or might genuinely be exhibiting irrational
behaviour, it is also important for you to listen to your instinct, or intuition. Do you have a heavy feeling
in the pit of your stomach? Do you feel
weighed down and oppressed? Do you feel
depressed? These are signs that you have
unconsciously picked up on deception and “foul play.” While we can consciously be fooled,
unconsciously we can’t, and often we will have a lingering feeling that
“something just isn’t right.” Make sure
that you listen to this feeling and seek help, either professionally or
socially (i.e. a trusted group of friends or a support network). If neither of these are options for you, reading this article will point you in the right direction.
Are you experiencing Gaslighting?
Do you know someone else who is?
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By: Luna Aletheia
This post was republished from lonerwolf.com. You can find the original post YOU’RE NOT GOING CRAZY: HOW “GASLIGHTING” ERODES YOUR SANITY here.
